Do you ever look at yourself? Like really look- past the clothing and beneath the skin, and wonder how it is you got to be who you are; how it is that your life is exactly the way it is in that moment in time. Do you ever look at other 20-something-year-olds and say “wow I would give anything to get out of this town like they did” or “maybe if I had worked harder I could be moving out of my parents house and into an apartment like that” or even “I wish I went to a different school… I wish I went for a different degree”.
Maybe this is just me. Maybe all the bumps in the road were because of who I am and not because the professor hated me or my boss forgot to submit my time sheet for that pay period. Maybe I’m stuck in limbo because I didn’t push myself to be better because I didn’t think I was better. I had the best support system back at home, I had friends that studied and worked their asses off and for someone reason kailyn couldn’t- kailyn wouldn’t, and now I’m trying to figure out what’s next for me.
I’m sorry that this piece is a little bit more personal, but I’m just going through something and I’m trying to find it within myself to break this cycle so that I don’t look back in 10 years still stuck wondering how I’m going to get myself out from all the debris and rubble of every failed, weak, half assed attempt to be a better version of me.
This isn’t a self-hate article, don’t get this wrong. This is for me to look back on in 5 months and say I really did it this time, I did all the things I told myself I couldn’t do for one reason or another. I gave up on myself because I was truly okay with just getting by, accepting the bare minimum. And now here I am, entering the scariest chapter of my life. Adulthood. And I want more for myself, I want to become something and achieve and thrive and succeed.
I want to look back on my life from my apartment in the city and say “remember when my blog took off and I applied for that amazing journalism job and got it and I was able to buy myself my dream car and have my dream closet because I deserved it?” I DESERVE that.
So in a couple weeks (hopefully) I’m packing up all my belongings all my shoes and clothes and my photographs and trinkets and moving to another state and with that I’m leaving behind all the failures and heartbreak and defeat.I’m walking towards the bright light that is my future, I’m opening every door in my path I’m leaving no stone unturned. I’m taking control of my life and for the first time EVER- it feels really good.